No one likes fighting with an SO, but sometimes, conflict is necessary. From fights to arguments, passing through confessions, and conflict resolution, this article will help you navigate any talk with your partner. So, how do you talk about your feelings with your partner?
Avoiding conflict can seem like a good idea until it isn’t anymore.
Not talking about what bothers you leaves many things unsaid this ends up making your relationship weak and vulnerable to any upcoming fight. We’ve all at some point gone through a small argument about something useless which in turn ended up bringing up unhealed wounds. those past wounds come back to haunt you at each and every small misunderstanding, especially in long-term relationships.
While you might think that conflict is toxic, it is healthy and can be quite constructive at times. When you avoid conflict, you and your partner might start becoming passive-aggressive with each other, cold, and irritable at every turn. This article will help you navigate how to properly talk about your feelings with your partner in only a few steps.
1- Share your anxieties
Don’t be afraid to talk about what makes you anxious in your relationship. Are you afraid that your relationship won’t last? Tell them how you feeling using this technique:
Name your feelings:
Yes, you are feeling bad but name it in a better way. Take some time to rethink your feeling and understand exactly what it is you’re feeling. Are you stressed? tired? overwhelmed?..
You can use our emotion circle to pinpoint which emotion you’re feeling exactly.
If you don’t know what you are feeling exactly, you will not be to express it in a good way.
Name your feeling and understand the extent of that feeling, after that you can build a sentence around your feeling, without sounding accusatory.
Build your feeling sentence:
Start your sentence with ‘I’ as you are representing yourself, and at the same time you’ll avoid starting with the very accusatory sounding ‘You’.
Say ‘I feel…….’ instead of ‘You make me feel……’
Say ‘I feel…….when….(insert the event or what happened)…’
or say ‘I’ve been feeling…… when……..because…..(insert why it made you feel that way or the impact it had on you)’
Make it about yourself, when you use ‘I’ you become more focused on how you felt and the actual situation rather than accusing the other person and focusing on them.
2- Understand the difference between feelings, thoughts, and mood
In your process of talking about your feelings to your partner, you might encounter passing thoughts that can be the start of a deal-breaking argument. We all have thoughts, but the difference between them and feelings or moods is that they go as fast as they come. and that also applies to changeable feelings. For example, you’re feeling angry for some reason that’s outside of your relationship, and you end up having some small argument with your partner that turns quickly into a fight because of the emotional state that you are going through. If you had waited a bit for the outside anger to pass, you would have gotten over that little argument with your SO in a glimpse of an eye.
However, if you’ve been feeling something for a while and it has turned into an almost mood, it might be time to talk to your partner about it.
3- Don’t forget that Timing is everything
Timing is the most important thing when it comes to these conversations. Avoid bringing up the feeling conversation if you or your partner are stressed, tired, or drunk. Avoid tension-filled moments. Wait until both of you are more rested and are able to be rational and have a real conversation. You can talk to your partner about the conversation you’re trying to have and set a time to discuss it or even just mention that you want to talk to them about something important and if they can set some free time to go for a walk or do some kind of activity where you can talk.
4- Don’t avoid the conflict
If you’re a person who hates conflicts of any sort, you might think about letting go of whatever your partner did and moving on. Don’t brush off your partner’s attitude as if nothing happened. Something did happen, it made you feel bad and you have the right to talk about it like any other person deserves to get better treatment from their SO.
But in case you do want to take a break from the conversation if it’s not leading up anywhere, you can always say ‘I feel like this is not productive and I don’t want this to turn into a fight. Should we, maybe, take some time to think about this and discuss it again in a few days.’ Don’t forget to actually talk about it and work towards finding a way to solve the issue.
5- Talk about your doubts
You’re starting to doubt your relationship and feel that there might be something going on that your partner’s not telling you about, or perhaps they are not sharing that side with you for whatever reason. When you feel doubt don’t become passive and keep your doubts to yourself.
It is completely normal to have doubts at one point or another. However, those doubts need to be shared, not with outsiders but with your partner. It is healthier for you and your partner to share doubts you might have.
The talk will clear out the air. Once you’ll talk about it, you’ll be able to decide whether having those kinds of doubts is worth it or not.
But in case your doubts grow more, you can refer to our article on ‘Am I overthinking or is he losing interest?’
6- Ask about how they feel and the solutions they propose
When dealing with relationships never forget that you are not the only one concerned with the situation. Your partner/s also have a say in what is going on.
First, start by asking your partner about how they feel concerning the subject you brought up. Once they state their opinion or their point of view, you can ask them whether they would like to solve the issue and if they have a solution in mind. Again, make sure you’re both willing to have a conversation otherwise, you’ll end up having a one-sided conversation.
7- Remember that you are allowed to talk about your feelings
Talking about your feelings is not a weakness. It is how you stay in control of your own emotions and understand your environment. Sometimes, you might not understand what you are feeling or the extent of it but through talking about it you might get a better idea of what is going on in your mind, which you may not have been aware of before.
In case you don’t want to talk to your partner directly if you’re afraid that you might end up saying something that will hurt their feelings, it’s better that you try it out with something you trust like a friend or perhaps a sibling and ask for their advice as well as take their opinion into consideration if they have any. You can later on, with all the new information you’ve gathered decide whether the topic is still bothersome to you. If yes, then it is time for you to talk to your SO, if not, then at least you’ve got the chance to think through the issue.
7- Talks don’t have to be complicated
You don’t have to have a big discussion with your partner for it to be a serious talk about what is going on. Talking about your emotions could be a daily thing. Especially if whatever happen just took place. Because the earlier you talk about the way a certain situation made you feel, the earlier it can be solved.
You can set a daily time with your partner to hang out and talk about things that bother the two of you.
9- It doesn’t always have to be negative
When we talk about sharing feelings, many think that the only feelings worth sharing are ones of worry, anxiety, depression, mistrust… However, that is not the case.
There is much to share with your partner, not just negative feelings. make sure you also sure happy feelings with them.
You’ve had a great day tell them about it. They did something that made you feel loved and happy, express it to them. Not everything has to be all grey.
Generally, talking about how you feel helps you avoid much trouble in relationships. Instead of having negative emotions building up until one of you explodes, you get the chance to review your stance and work through what troubles you together. After all, relationships are about communication and mutual respect and both of those need two people to work.